A Guard’s Lament/A Thieves’ Mortification

20 Oct

As far as Kurral believed, for your average Nord, there was no better job than being a town guard. You got the occasional bit of action- such as getting to catch thieves, or killing some axe murderers- and all the respect that came from the title of “Guard.” And, if you got a regular job serving at the local Tavern, well, the drinks were just the tiniest bit cheaper than they were otherwise!

Shor’s Stone was a nice town, he believed, semi-recent troubles with the Reachmen aside. Heroes came, and Heroes went- the Companions even came by for a visit every now and then. But what Kurral liked most about his job was the opportunities to meet new people- often times very pretty ones- and just sort of….

A glint of gold in the corner of his eye cause his thoughts to trail off as the most beautiful vision of thievery entered his line of sight. A dame with blonde hair pulled back in what the barbershop was calling the “Heroic Bard” style, and clothing was that fancy, half-heavy half-light style coming out of the Gold Coast in recent months. Manotaurus or something strangely named like that. It was the one that had the oh so many belts strapping across in various ways and…

Oh how Kurral’s heart skipped a beat as he caught sight of amber eyes sneaking towards someone’s waist-purse.

He didn’t care that she was a common criminal attempting to pickpocket someone of their hard earned valuables. No siree. That he was about to interrupt a crime in progress never even crossed Kurral’s mind.

“Hey! You!” He took  several steps forwards as he spoke, breathless, in the awe of such beauty.

“Oh, crap…” The girl barely muttered as she stood upright, hands going up in surrender. He saw her hands and arms well- black gloves going from the elbow to the gingers, wrapped in white guards with bronze studs- each one shimmering like diamonds to his eyes.

“Where have you been all my life!” Kurral spoke, grinning at her through his open-faced helmet. “Say, would you like to come get a drink with me?” The fear that had only just barely formed in her eyes suddenly shifted into pure confusion and then shock and horror. Her breathing hitched, and he saw her barely exposed stomach muscles tense under her skin. For several moments, she just stood there in confusion before handing him a small stack of coins– That she might have had a bounty didn’t even occur to him– and he laughed saying, “A girl buying me a drink, eh? that’s– …Oh. Oh, right… I’m on duty.” He sighed, and hung his head as he turned to sulk back to his waiting spot. “Can’t drink on duty. Maybe afterwards?” She held no response as he finally hit his wall and slumped against it.

A Khajiiti woman in brown leathers appeared a few moments later, and it was at her side that the girl left, both running away in what was almost certainly an attempt to hold their laughter in at his failed attempt at flirting. Even so- the waist coat flared out as she moved in just such a way that… well…

Kurral sighed. He wondered if maybe it was his cologne? The “Essence of Magicka” stuff did come on pretty strong… And this was the fourth time since he started using it that he’d let a beautiful person out of his grasp because he was still on duty. But then again, it was the fourth time *ever* that he’d seen someone worth pursuing since he started using it…. so maybe…?

The mere idea of the fact that it was him being a guard causing these people to run away from him wouldn’t occur to him until he made the connection that the seventh person he tried this with was one he caught with a knife in the back of a local fisher.

At which point, he’d realize that every single person he’d tried flirting with had been ones he’d caught in the process of committing a crime, and would resoundingly lament, “Damn it, Mara and Dibella! Why are all the Criminals Criminally Beautiful!?”


“I- What- He caught me pick-pocketing- but he was FLIRTING with me instead!??” Argo asked of her Khajiti fence/Thieves Guild contact as they hurriedly escaped Shor’s Stone. “I don’t even know how to respond to something like that!”

“Do not fight it,” Pirharri said, laughing, “This one can see the magic between you!”

“Oh Gods, No…!” Argo hung her head and groaned in dismay. “Please don’t joke about that, Pirharri!”

“Oh, no, everyone in the Guild will hear about this one for sure!”

“Noooo… Please, don’t! I’ll never hear the end of it from Quen if you do!”

Pirharri just laughed more and more- not even bothering to poke fun at the thief trying to do basic pick-pocketing in a dark room while wearing bright, shiny, reflective clothing. Yes, her friend’s mortification at being caught by a flirtatious Guard was enough punishment as it was.

A.N.: This… this was a thing that literally happened. Featuring Pirharri of the Thieves’ Guild DLC- because she is the best fence a thief could have. Bonus conversation is based upon one that happened in Guild chat as I explained the situation to friends. Words tweaked slightly to fit Pirharri better.

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Posted by on October 20, 2016 in Argo The Rat, ESO


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